White Rainebow

 You remember the time when you saw a certain situation or some people reacting to it in a certain way and thought that you'll do things differently? That when it's your turn to play grown up you would do it differently? Do you remember thinking that you would never be like some people because of how much you hate that narrative?  Once, you're seventeen and you know what you want. You have all your plans laid out in front of you, written on fine paper in aristocratic script just waiting to be lived. You know that you're going to have your dream job and live in your dream house and be proud of yourself. Just like those coming of age movies. You know it all.  Then you're suddenly 21 and you have no idea what is going where, you see everything falling flat, you feel like a drowning fish. Like an Ariel who walked on earth but forgot how to swim. All your plans are just pretty letters. You are stuck in assignments and self doubt. You don't even know what ...

"Lifetimes in strange directions When hello can mean goodbye, I have seen you before, but not yet We'll meet again, again." Do you also have days when you day dream a reality so vividly that you can no longer  differentiate between the dream and the original reality?  Days, when you sit on the platform waiting for a train you have always known as yours?  When you also feel like it has passed as you sat there lost in your head? Like you understand the concept of time a little too much and you shouldn't have at all?  When your whole life you're soaked in pain and sadness it all seems like a war that you fight to continue against the free fall. You fight so valiantly just looking for mundane validations from people who shouldn't even matter but they do and you fight.  Maybe a loosing war.  You feel so lost, so gone, so unmotivated to even move. I have read a quote somewhere, "Every corpse on Everest was once a very motivated person". Didn...

They hurt you on mundane days, coloring it with the color of resentment and heaving tears, days that were supposed to go unnoticed are now marked with red ink to be remembered and noticed for probably more than decades. Then on their good days they say good things, show their trust in your ability as a human being with a properly functioning cerebral cortex, they tell how dynamic and brilliant you are, how they see that you'll go far beyond imagination but they never imagine that far beyond, they never actually see it. That however honest, seem like a statement made in a good mood that is clouded and overshadowed by everything they're feeling good about. It's not for you, it's all them. Even when they're your best friends, mothers and fathers, sisters and loves they're also every bit of human as you are. They'll of course be happy when you have reached your goals or you're happier and better, but they'll also always have a bit of a dark corner in t...