Unbecoming

                     

Do you remember the time when you saw a certain situation or some people reacting to it in a certain way and thought that you'll do things differently? That when it's your turn to play grown up you would do it differently? Do you remember thinking that you would never be like some people because of how much you hate that narrative? 

Once, you're seventeen and you know what you want. You have all your plans laid out in front of you, written on fine paper in aristocratic script just waiting to be lived. You know that you're going to have your dream job and live in your dream house and be proud of yourself. Just like those coming-of-age movies. You know it all. 

Then you're suddenly 21 and you have no idea what is going where, you see everything falling flat, you feel like a drowning fish. Like an Ariel who walked on earth but forgot how to swim. All your plans are just pretty letters. You are stuck in assignments and self doubt. You don't even know what your dream has evolved into. All you remember is feeling invincible back in the day when you knew everything like the back of your hand. No facts, just a feeling. You know nothing at all. 

Worse is, you realize that you are almost everything you thought you will never be in your teenage naivety. You are just as unmotivated, cranky and fidgety today as you saw people be when you had every one of your fantasies on the tip of your shoe. You see that you react to situations in a way similar to the one you didn't identify with earlier, you are what you hated. You have become your own demon, you are the skeleton in your childhood closet. It's not different. It's just same and difficult. 

 Do you see what makes it a salt-rub to the wound? Your awareness. 

You're hyper aware of the narrative you have always tried and wanted to escape so much so that you have seemingly forgotten how to actually belong, in all the things you do and all the aspirations you have. You lack a personal touch because you really are loosing your personality in trying not to be something.

Just go for it. Such an easy phrase to just throw around, yeah?! Sometimes you don't have to go for it. Sometimes you just have to let go of it. The stubborn urge to do justice by your teenage fever dreams. 

As the time changes it also changes our vocabulary. The thing that was once our beautiful dream could become our greatest nightmare that haunts us every night when the lights are turned. So, somedays just sit back and wait for the cool breeze since you can't turn off the sun. 

Because maybe it's not really something or someone we need to become, maybe the real deal is to unbecome everything that doesn't suit the storyline we're trying to build. Fail, fail, fail and fail a little more but just never stop. That's it.

By all means choose your own poison but also make sure to have the antidote handy.

Signing off,

A.

P.S. Please let me know what you lot think.